Memories can be a really wonderful thing. Childhood memories, adolescent memories, adult memories; they can flood over you, triggered by another experience or a sensory input. One thing for me that triggers memories is music. Some Classic Rock songs take me back to my high school days; experiencing the music for the first time on vinyl or on tape. We soaked it in then, and it transports me back when I hear it now. We put big speakers and equalizers in our cars even back then to enhance the experience and turned the volume up to “lethal” levels. Those memories are so distinct and so cherished.

Today, “music” triggered me back to a memory that was, until a year ago, such a sweet memory. “Shake it up, Baby,” from The Beetles, was a song that I put on a 10th Anniversary video that I gave to my wife. I had spliced it together with lots of memories from camcorder videos we had taken. Our children were small, our marriage was intact, and I have watched it many times since over the following 17+ years and smiled, laughed and cried. Now, as the lyrics came out of Pandora and washed over me, I only wanted to cry. My divorce has tainted those memories beyond what I can explain. As I thought about this on the way home from work, I tried to imagine how it would feel if I had lost my wife, instead, to death. It seems like that would be easier because it wouldn’t ruin what those memories mean to me. Having her willingly discard me and our marriage, makes those memories more bitter then sweet. Does it actually “ruin” those memories for me? Right now, yes.

That really sucks.

Many people think of the reference of the “Ball n’ Chain” as referring to the wife; “The ol’ Ball ‘n Chain.” At least that’s how I think about it; not a very flattering analogy. (Accurate?) I was at work today, doing my computer work that I’ve been doing for 25 years, and found myself a little lost in my predicament. Having done my job for so long, I’m afforded the ability to work and “think” at the same time. Sometimes a very bad combination. What did Adrienne Monk used to say, “It’s a blessing and a curse.” Anyway, as I thought about my life, and the kinetic energy that seems to pull me along whether I want it to or not, I couldn’t help but think about the amount of energy that I have to expend to get from day to day. It didn’t use to take so much to get to the next day. Now, that amount of energy to grasp the next morning and pull myself up to meet it is overwhelming. Why the difference?

“What is that around my ankle?”

The “Ball and Chain.” Not referring to the nagging wife who won’t let me “chill with my buds” on the weekend, but referring to the weight of betrayal, of loss, and of anger and resentment that still seem to effect me. This is the burden that I carry with me everyday. I’m not sure I realized that until these last few days when I felt like I was slogging through wet concrete in every facet of my life. I’m pulling at a weight, like an anchor, that is permanently affixed to my life that I must drag behind me for some undetermined amount of time. Many people reading this might say, “You don’t have to drag that with you; let it go!” If it were only that easy. I’d have no reason to tap out a blog; hoping to help or be help by someone walking the same path. So, we share our burdens; whether it’s a “Ball and Chain” or an anchor, or a feeling that seems to taint our freedom. That is the key; sharing the burden with guys who know and understand. Please, men, share with someone.

Does it get easier? God, I hope so….

Two weeks from today I will have collected most/all of my belongings from (what used to be) my home. I haven’t even driven by my the house in almost a year. I hope my dogs remember me. I have some friends coming over to help me gather everything. My ex-wife insists on being there. It’s funny; initially she didn’t want to be there when I came by, and now she “insists.” Whatever. I’m also bringing a female friend to run interference between me and my ex; she just doesn’t get that I don’t want to be friends, I don’t want to talk to her and if I could get away with it, I would prefer to never see her again. She sent me a “Happy Father’s Day” email telling me what an awesome dad I was to our now adult children. Really? REALLY?

June 3rd was the official and legal end of my marriage. I’ve lived in this trailer for over 11 months now, trying to decide how I would reinvent myself. I’m still very angry, depressed and feeling devastated and abandoned. I don’t know how long these feelings will last or where this new life will lead me. I would love to get out of California and just start over in a new state.

I guess right now I just need to focus on each day and what needs to be done. I will be really nice to have my tools, dirt bikes, etc. here at the park with me. My 16ft enclosed trailer will be “Dad’s Mobile Garage.” I’m hoping I can set it up to be a usable workshop with woodworking tools, an automotive repair area and still be able to move around and move it around without everything falling all over the place. What good is a mobile garage if you can’t go mobile?

If anyone happens to read this, and you’re going through something similar, and feeling like you just can’t handle anymore, remember that you have already gone through more than you thought you could handle, and survived. I know I have.

Finances are always a sticky issue when people get divorced. My ex-wife absorbed much of the debt from our marriage, most of which we accrued after her infidelity. She left me with very little in the way of possessions, but also very little in the way of debt. It has allowed me to help my kids financially as the need has arisen. I can feel the draw to be the parent with more resources, and I’m sure that she has the same desire. As it happens, my ex-wife and my daughter are flying to Europe tonight for a 2 week vacation; something I’ve always wanted to do. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous and, at the same time, hopeful that she is packing it onto a credit card. With all the debt she has, I don’t see how she could be using cash to pay for this vacation. I fell very petty and mean-spirited, but, when you’ve been cast aside from your life to live in a trailer, it’s hard to not entertain some feelings of rancor toward your ex.

I hope my daughter has a fantastic time.