Memories can be a really wonderful thing. Childhood memories, adolescent memories, adult memories; they can flood over you, triggered by another experience or a sensory input. One thing for me that triggers memories is music. Some Classic Rock songs take me back to my high school days; experiencing the music for the first time on vinyl or on tape. We soaked it in then, and it transports me back when I hear it now. We put big speakers and equalizers in our cars even back then to enhance the experience and turned the volume up to “lethal” levels. Those memories are so distinct and so cherished.
Today, “music” triggered me back to a memory that was, until a year ago, such a sweet memory. “Shake it up, Baby,” from The Beetles, was a song that I put on a 10th Anniversary video that I gave to my wife. I had spliced it together with lots of memories from camcorder videos we had taken. Our children were small, our marriage was intact, and I have watched it many times since over the following 17+ years and smiled, laughed and cried. Now, as the lyrics came out of Pandora and washed over me, I only wanted to cry. My divorce has tainted those memories beyond what I can explain. As I thought about this on the way home from work, I tried to imagine how it would feel if I had lost my wife, instead, to death. It seems like that would be easier because it wouldn’t ruin what those memories mean to me. Having her willingly discard me and our marriage, makes those memories more bitter then sweet. Does it actually “ruin” those memories for me? Right now, yes.
That really sucks.